The Dorothy Parker quote archive on my links page disappeared off the web. Since I couldn't find a comprehensive collection of her quotes, I grabbed the quotes from archive.org and a few other pages. No checking for accuracy.

From http://users.rcn.com/lyndanyc/dorothy.html (down)

• "It's a small apartment, I've barely enough room to lay my hat and a few friends."
• On learning that Calvin Coolidge was dead she remarked, "How could they tell?"
• "Are you Dorothy Parker?" a guest at a party inquired.
  "Yes, do you mind?"
• In a book review: "This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown aside with great force."
• In 1925, Harold Ross was struggling to keep The New Yorker magazine alive with a tiny, inexperienced staff and an office with one typewriter. Running into Dorothy, Ross said, "I thought you were coming into the office to write a piece last week. What happened?" Dorothy replied, "Somebody was using the pencil."
• "I can't write five words but that I change seven."
• "Brevity is the soul of lingerie."
• In the street once Dorothy approached a taxi.
  "I'm engaged," the cabbie said.
  "Then be happy," she told him.
• Wasn't the Yale prom wonderful? "If all the girls in attendance were laid end to end," she said, "I wouldn't be at all surprised."
• "Look at him, a rhinestone in the rough."
• "Salary is no object: I want only enough to keep body and soul apart."
• "You know, that woman speaks 18 languages, and she can't say "no" in any of them."
• "His body has gone to his head."
• In a 1933 review of the play "The Lake" starring Katherine Hepburn:"Miss Hepburn runs the gamut of emotions from A to B"
• "Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses."
• Of the play "The House Beautiful": "The House Beautiful is The Play Lousy."
• Young man to Dorothy Parker: "I can't bear fools."
  Dorothy Parker to young man: "Funny, your mother could."
• In a New Yorker review of A.A. Milne's "House at Pooh Corner": "Tonstant weader fwowed up."
• Another book review: "He is beyond question a writer of power; and his power lies in his ability to make sex so thoroughly, graphically and aggressively unattractive that one is fairly shaken to ponder how little one has been missing."
• For her own epitaph: "Excuse my dust."

From http://www.cynical.ws/parker.php

• If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

From http://www.phnet.fi/public/mamaa1/parker.htm

• There's a helluva distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
• The only ism Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
• The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant--and let the air out of the tires.
• I don't care what anybody says about me as long as it isn't true.
• Sorrow is tranquility remembered in emotion.
• Hell's afloat in lover's tears.
• Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.

From http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Oracle/1570/effluvia/parker.html

• Reply to her editor who was asking for work while she was on honeymoon: "Too fucking busy, and vice versa."
• I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
• Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.
• To Mrs. Sherwood on the arrival of her baby: "Good work, Mary, we all knew you had it in you."
• Oh my God. You mean those clothes of hers are intentional? Heavens, I always thought she was on her way out of a burning building.

• Razors pain you;
  Rivers are damp;
  Acids stain you;
  And drugs cause cramp.
  Guns aren't lawful;
  Nooses give;
  Gas smells awful;
  You might as well live.

• My own dear love, he is strong and bold,
  and he cares not what comes after
  His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
  and his eyes are lit with laughter.
  He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -
  oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
  My own dear love, he is all my world -
  and I wish I'd never met him.

  My love he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
  and a wild young wood-thing bore him!
  The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
  and the skies are sunlit for him.
  As sharply sweet to my heart he seems,
  as the fragrance of acacia.
  My own dear love, he is all my dreams -
  and I wish he were in Asia.

  My love runs by like a day in June,
  and he makes no friends of sorrows.
  He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
  in the pathway or the morrows.
  He'll live his days where the sunbeams start,
  nor could storm or wind uproot him.
  My own dear love, he is all my heart -
  and I wish somebody'd shoot him.

• If I don't drive around the park,
  I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
  If I'm in bed each night by ten,
  I may get back my looks again
  If I abstain from fun and such,
  I'll probably amount to much
  But I shall stay the way I am,
  because I do not give a damn.

• By the time you swear you're his,
  Shivering and sighing
  And he vows his passion is
  Infinite, undying --
  Lady make a note of this:
  One of you is lying.

• I wish I could drink like a lady
  I can take one or two at the most
  Three and I'm under the table
  Four and I'm under the host.

• My land is bare of chattering folk;
  the clouds are low along the ridges,
  and sweet's the air with curly smoke
  from all my burning bridges.

• Drink and dance and laugh and lie,
  Love, the reeling midnight through,
  For tomorrow we shall die!
  (But, alas, we never do.)

• Into love and out again,
  Thus I went and thus I go.
  Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
  Well and bitterly I know
  All the songs were ever sung,
  All the words were ever said;
  Could it be, when I was young,
  Someone dropped me on my head?

• There's little in taking or giving,
  There's little in water or wine;
  This living, this living, this living
  Was never a project of mine.

  Oh hard is the struggle, and sparse is
  The gain of the one at the top,
  For art is a form of catharsis,
  And love is a permanent flop,
  And work is the province of cattle,
  And rest's for a clam in a shell,
  So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -
  Would you kindly direct me to hell?