Shrub Baseball It has been said that George W. Bush's first love is baseball, and that he would rather have been Major League Baseball commissioner than President. He actually came very close to being baseball commissioner. So, what if Bush had become baseball commissioner? I've heard it suggested that he would be great for the job, but what if he ran it the way he's been running the Presidency? Let's peer into an alternate universe... January 2001: On his first day in office, President John McCain is briefed on Richard Clarke's war plan against al-Qaeda. McCain immediately calls Clarke and FBI antiterrorism chief John O'Neill to the White House for more detailed briefings. By the third day, McCain has called a special session of Congress to declare war against al-Qaeda and bolster national security against terrorism. With the impassioned support of former president Bill Clinton, McCain's measures swiftly pass both houses. The fledgeling Fox News Channel condemns the "radical", "un-American" measures by "big-government liberal" McCain and in the coming months openly gloats whenever American soldiers are killed in Afghanistan. Meanwhile... January 2001: On his first day in office, Major League Baseball Commissioner George W. Bush orders all players to conduct mandatory Christian prayer sessions before baseball games. When informed that not all baseball players are Christian, Bush says offhandedly that these players "are all going to Hell". March 2001: Bush cuts the salary cap by 15%, claiming that resulting lower player salaries would allow teams to lower ticket prices and let more people attend the games. To promote the cut, Major League Baseball office staff appear at a press conference wearing players' uniforms and are claimed to be ballplayers supporting the cut. Not one team lowers its ticket prices after players' salaries are cut, all keeping the difference as profit. April 2001: A players' strike over reduced salaries threatens to cancel Opening Day. Players' union officials agree to third-party arbitration. Bush appoints Major League Baseball's head lawyer as the arbiter, who quickly rules in Major League Baseball's favour. Players who continue to strike are arrested for refusing to abide by their employment contracts, although some police refuse to take part in enforcing the law. June 2001: Bush announces that stadiums will be allowed to expel without refund any fans who fail to participate in the national anthem, pre-game prayer, or seventh-inning stretch. August 2001: After an umpire makes a debatable strike call that leads to the Texas Rangers losing a game, Bush announces that he will fire any umpires who make bad decisions. October 2001: At the closing of the World Series, Bush cuts the salary cap by another 15%, praising the lower ticket prices brought about by the last cut. Only a few sportswriters mention that ticket prices have not gone down. 30% salary cuts are also extended to the minor leagues, many of whose players are forced to quit and work their former moonlighting jobs full time. April 2002: Sportswriters who have been critical of Bush find themselves banned from stadiums on opening day. Many sportswriters just stop covering baseball. June 2002: Baseball viewership reaches its lowest point since television was invented. Sportswriters call this the natural end result of a slide that had started with Bud Selig, and say that things are better under Bush because his reign is not marred by controversy as Selig's was. July 2002: Cites lower attendance as reason to cut the salary cap by another 15%. Makes the announcement via television at the end of the All-Star Game and is not aware of the booing from fans and players at his appearance on the stadium's big screen. September 2002: After a player is caught using steroids, Bush pledges to end steroid abuse in the Major Leagues. The New York Yankees openly admit to steroid abuse and promise to stop if Bush's Texas Rangers stop. October 2002: Barry Bonds's 2-run home run off Kazuhiro Sasaki in the bottom of the 9th leads the Yomiuri Giants to a Japan Series championship over the Yokohama Bay Stars. December 2002: Internet postings calling for the re-establishment of the Negro Leagues are traced back to the assistant editor for a major national newspaper which has ardently supported Bush's commissionership. March 2003: Critics start demanding Bush's ouster, citing three of his most controversial acts and using the slogan "Three strikes, you're out!". Bush changes baseball rules so that players are only out after four strikes, and for fairness five balls are now required for a walk. Viewership tumbles as average game length is extended to over four hours. April 2003: Fans who have made derogatory Internet postings about Bush find themselves banned from the stadiums on opening day. May 2003: Bush accuses the Detroit Tigers of widespread steroid abuse. The Tigers deny this and point to the New York Yankees, who openly admit it and point to the Texas Rangers, whose abuse is an open secret. Private police raid the Tigers' stadium, sending three of Detroit's starting pitchers to the hospital. The police find nothing, but forbid Detroit from training until they leave at the end of the week. June 2003: When asked whether he thinks his changes to baseball have made the game better or worse, Bush admits that he doesn't watch baseball anymore, but his staff has told him that the games are much better these days. July 2003: A Major League Baseball official reports that the claims of the Detroit Tigers' steroid abuse and the subsequent police raid were unfounded and only intended to weaken the Tigers before a six game series against the Texas Rangers. Bush accuses the official of being a Tigers fan and forbids any team from employing the official's wife, one of the league's leading talent scouts. August 2003: More people watch the National Football League's exhibition games than the division race at the end of the baseball season. Autumn 2003 to Spring 2004: Teams struggle in the offseason to fill their rosters with Major League quality players. Bush praises this as a consolidation of professionalism within the Major Leagues. March 2004: The Oakland Athletics, Toronto Blue Jays, Milwaukee Brewers, Montreal Expos, San Diego Padres, and Detroit Tigers are expelled from Major League Baseball for being unable to fill their rosters. Bush praises this as a continuation of the rising standard of professionalism in the Major Leagues, and specifically praises the expulsion of the two Canadian teams as returning baseball to its roots as an American pastime. July 2004: New York Yankees All-Star shortstop Andy Cannizaro collapses in the middle of a game and dies of a heart attack, the third Yankee and twelfth player this season to die of steroid-related heart disease. Bush declares this a great tragedy and orders raids of the Yankees, Mariners, Red Sox, White Sox, and Angels. Coincidentally, these teams compose the next 18 games in the Texas Rangers' schedule. While drugs are found in each team's locker rooms, coaches insist that the drug abuse problem is leaguewide and that all teams should be held to the same standard. November 2004: President McCain is swept from office as left-wing Democrats attack his conservative social policies and the right-wing vote is split by the campaign of Jeb Bush, who condemns McCain's "Don Quixote infatuation" with the "phantom menace" of terrorism and promises to "run the country as well as my brother runs baseball". With the conservative vote split between two major candidates, Senator Tom Daschle is elected President with 37% of the vote. Meanwhile, sportswriters note that football has firmly established itself as the new American pastime, with each NFL game getting more viewers than a whole week of baseball games.