(Celebrity Deathmatch and all respective characters trademarks of MTV)
 "Hi, I'm Johnny Gomez."
 "And I'm Nick Diamond."
 "And this is... CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH! Tonight, we've got for you, the
battle of mind over matter; The fight that we're sure you've all been
waiting for..  Jesse 'The Body' Ventura versus Jesse 'The Mind' Ventura!"
 "Now, how'd we arrange that, Johnny? Aren't they the same person?"
 "Well, I don't know, Nick, but from what I've heard, our highly trained
Deathmatch Medical Technicians were able to seperate the mental aspect
from the physical into two different personas, ready to fight it out
for the role of governer of Minnesota, right here on Celebrity Deathmatch!"

 (flashback: Ventura on a table with a colander on his head, wired to
another colander on an empty table, medtechs moving around the room.
Jesse: "You're sure this is safe, right?" The closest medtech nods. A guy
in suit and tie walks in and harps at the medtechs. "Hey, the match is
tomorrow. How long is this going to take?")

 "Well, Johnny, it looks like they've got the fighters in the ring right
now, and it's not exactly what I think we expected."
 (Birdseye view of ring; Mills Lane stands in the center, on his left
stands Jesse Ventura's body, eyes staring straight forward, top of head
cleanly sliced off, bowl-shaped hollow visible; On Lane's right a brain
sits on the canvas in a pink puddle. View shifts to Lane.)
 "Okay, now here are the rules:(turns to brain) No bitin' or scratchin',
(turns to body) No hittin' below the belt. Let's get it on!"
 (Jesse's body teeters over forward, landing face first in the brain,
pink bits fly everywhere as it is utterly sqooshed)
 (Lane:)"This fight is over!"(Bell rings, Lane raises Body's hand, which
drops limply to the mat when Lane lets go.)
 "Well, Nick, there's one word I can use to describe that match: Short."
 "I don't know, Johnny, it seems that the audience is coming up with
several words of their own to describe it." (Shot of audience, then goes
back to Nick) "I'm glad we've got one more fight lined up for tonight."
 "So am I, Nick. Boy! That was worse than the Nessie fight!"
 "Well, Johnny, I guess you can say that there'll be yet another brainless
politician in office now. Heh. Heh heh."
 "That was bad, Nick."
 "Moving right along.. Our next match is the battle for Cyberspace: A tag
team match between Mark Andreeson, Ex-CEO of Netscape, and Steve Case, CEO
of America Online, versus the two hacker heroes, Linus Torvalds and Richard
Stallman!"
 "Who?"
 "I.. don't think I've heard of them either, but it seems they're very
popular on the Web. In fact, when news of this match got out, the
Deathmatch Arena sold out within hours, almost entirely through our
new offer of online ticket sales!"
 "And it seems a lot of important people in the high tech industry are
in the stands today... The only problem is that we don't know who any of
them are, and Stacy Cornbread is down in the stands right now trying to
find some of these people, (shot of Stacy in the stands) but since we
don't know what they look like,(shot goes back to Johnny) it's hard to
tell them apart from the rest of the fans. However, we have her interview
of Linus and Richard that was taped earlier, so let's go to that."
 (Stacy in the locker room with Linus and Richard; Linus is wearing blue
jeans and a Tux t-shirt, while Richard has blue jeans and a black
t-shirt on which is prominently displayed the letters "G.W.O.")
 "I'm here in the locker room with Linus Torvalds and Richard Stallman,
the challengers in this match. Now Linus, what's your reason for being
here tonight?"
 "Well, Stacy, the merger between Netscape and AOL is a very Bad Thing
for the Internet. Some people say that the merger offers competition to
Microsoft, but they don't realize that AOL's not even in the same market.
They're not making competition, they're making another Microsoft. And
that's why I'm here to fight to the death to stop it."
 "Thanks, Linus. And Richard? What's your reason for being here?"
 "CASE AND ANDREESSON ARE MINE!!! THIS IS THE GNU WORLD ORDER, BAYBEE!
YEEEAH!"
 "Uh.. Thanks! Linus Torvalds and Richard Stallman!"
 (Tape ends, back to Johnny and Nick)
 "An interesting look into the great minds of high technology."
 "Yeah, Johnny. I have to wonder what Steve and Mark think about those
two. The Swedish kid doesn't look too tough, but that Stallman guy looks
like he can give them some trouble."
 (Johnny holds a slip of paper)"Well, Nick, it says here he has bad wrists."
 "Hmm. Did we get an interview with the CEOs?"
 "No, their laywers just said they refused comment. (short pause as nothing
is happening, then change of subject) Well, looks like the Deathmatch
Arena sure is packed tonight."
 "Yeah, and with those online ticket sales, the nerds are out in force,
ready to cheer on their heroes. Look at 'em all!"
 (Camera shorts to a section of stands that is full of generic nerds)
 (Johnny puts a hand to his headset)
 "That's right, Nick. And it seems that Stacy Cornbread has an interview
with one of them. Stacy?"
 (Stacy in the stands)
 "Thanks, Johnny. I'm here with Alan Cox, a relatively famous computer
expert from England, and he has an interesting story to tell. Tell
us what you've done here, Alan."
 "Well, we all decided to bring our own laptop boxen and Ethernet
cards, and hooked up into the T3 line next door, and now we've got the
whole Deathmatch Arena wired for 10baseT!"
 (Camera shows several rows of nerds tapping away on their laptops)
 (Camera goes to Johnny and Nick, who are slackjawed with eyes looking
glazed over, pun not intended. After a second or two, Johnny speaks)
 "Um..."(blinks)"Great! And it looks like our fighters are getting
ready to do battle!" (turns to Nick, whispering)"Did you understand
any of that?" (Nick shakes his head)
 (Camera to ring, Case and Andreesson on the left, Mills Lane in the
middle, Torvalds and Stallman on the right. Lane speaks)
 "Alright, you all might think you gonna own the Internet after this
match, but right now I own this ring, and you will obey my commands
at all times. Now let's get it on!"(Bell sounds)

  Andreesson squares off against Linus. "I'll have you know, I was a bit of
a Unix hacker myself. I know how you'll think. I"*pow**thud*

 Linus proceeds to generally beat the tar out of Andreesson. (Johnny:)
"Linus's wife is the martial arts champion of Finland, and it seems that
she sure trained him well for tonight." (Linus does a crane kick ala Karate
Kid.) (Nick:)"Finland has martial arts?" (The kick knocks Andreesson back
to the ropes, where Case tags him.) (Case:) "Let me take care of this guy."

 Case steps into the ring carrying.. (Johnny:)"And Steve Case has stepped
into the ring, carrying.. a stack of.. something under his arm." (Case
wields the top disc off the stack) (Nick:)"My, those look awfully
familiar." (Case throws the disk as Linus. Linus ducks, and the disk
severs the top rope behind him. Mills Lane scratches his chin.

 (Lane:)"I'll allow it!" (Case tosses more CDs at Linus. Linus dodges
a few, then takes a glancing cut across the midsection. He falls to one
knee(either announcer: "And Linus goes down!") , and the next disc severs an
arm at the elbow. Stallman tags the arm as it flies past ("And Stallman
tags in!") and hops in, you can see him wearing something shiny on his
arms ("And it looks like he's wearing..."). Case throws another disk, which
the camera follows like the arrow in 90's Robin Hood as it flies towards
Linus's neck. Suddenly an arm shoots into the picture, equipped with
("Adamantium Wrist Braces!"), which the CD bounces off of. Case throws
another disc, Stallman deflects it and it flies off out of the ring and
off camera. A scream is heard. Case steps back for a moment, Linus starts
crawling off over to the ropes, Case starts throwing the discs harder
and faster. Stallman keeps blocking them, Case increases the discs-per-second
ratio, Stallman doesn't break a sweat, Case throws even more discs,
(Announcer: "How many of those things does he have?"), Stallman's arms
are a blur as he keeps blocking. The camera goes to Linus, who is sitting
on the sid eof the ring with his severed arm on his knees, using needle
and thread to sew it back on. ("Meanwhile, Linus is doing something at
the side of the ring." "It looks like he's... re-compiling himself.")

 Case and Stallman's arms are blurs as the manically toss and block CDs,
respectively, until suddenly Case drops the cd and falls to his knees, his
throwing arm hanging limp by his side. (Johnny: "And it looks like Steve
Case has become a victim of repetitive stress syndrome.") Case rises
himself up and heads for the ropes, (Nick: "You know, after all those
CD-ROMs he threw, he sure doesn't see to have any fewer than he came
into the ring with.") Case dumps the CDs over the edge and tags out,
"My arm is shot, you'll have to take it from here." "I'll see what I
can do." "Don't worry, I'm not out of options just yet."

 Andreesson charges RMS and bounces off. (Johnny: "Andreesson just
got bounced off Stallman's beer gut!" Nick:"I guess that's what you'd
call a 'robust architecture', Johnny.")

     [Haven't finished the fight yet, but the following happens:]

  Case signals, and two lawyers enter the ring. Case says something
   threatening, the lawyers start babbling about rutabaga laws, Stallman
   asks Linus, "What's a lawyer?". Linus shrugs. *pow* *pow* *CHEER*.
   
  At the very end of the match, all are still living and breathing with
   only non-fatal injuries. Case isn't doing so good, and Andreesson is
   much the worse for wear, so Case decides to call his last resort..]

 (Popping out of the half of the crowd on Case and Andresson's side, the
creatures rise from their seats and advance towards the ring. Each is
a tall, thin, green creature with spindly limbs, sharply drawn facial
features, and blue/green/silver mohawk hairdos. Each carries a stone
axe. Nick:)
 "Oh, dear god, what are those?"
 "Can it be?"
 "I don't know Johnny, but if I were to take a guess I might say that
those are the infamous 'AOL Trolls'."
 "That's exactly what I was thinking, and it doesn't look good for Linus
and Richard."(Camera advances towards Linus and RMS, showing them stepping
back toward the ropes. Then the cry of a lone nerd is heard: )
 "Hey!"(Camera quickly goes to the nerd, who is standing on his seat rallying
the other nerds) "We gotta go help them!"
 Another nerd: "Justa sec, I'm downloading some good porn!" The nerd next
to him grabs him and pulls him along.
 (All the nerds stand and run towards the ring, weilding staves
and computer manuals. Johnny: )
 "It seems the nerds are going to try and save their heroes. But will
they make it to the ring in time?"
 (Camera goes to the ring and a side view of Linus and RMS at the ropes,
several trolls in the ring now advancing slowly and menacingly towards
them. When they get within reach, the flow of nerds leaps in over the
broken top rope, pushing them back.)

 [This battle hasn't been thought out either,
   but the following does happen:

    Johnny mentions that the nerds' staves are known as Clue Sticks

    Nick opens a dictionary and mentions that the use of 'troll' on
    the Internet was originally as a fishing term. Johnny comments
    something to the effect of "AOL can't even get that right."

    The nerds and trolls do battle throughout the entire Deathmatch
    Arena for an adequate length of time and with enough different
    camera shots to make up for the relatively short and bloodless
    matches. Axes, sticks, and nerds fly across the background.

    A troll gets squished under a 50 pound Unix handbook, leaving a
    green puddle with facial features and a twisted wrist sticking out

    A small group of nerds use their books to turtle like a Roman
    legion and/or their clue sticks like a phalanx.

    One semi-famous nerd does 1337 ninja action with the clue stick

    A troll attempts to climb a ladder to Nick and Johnny's booth,
    but is *ahem* caught from behind by a nerd and his Clue Stick.
    The now-double-bug-eyed troll slides cleanly off the stick with
    the appropriate sound effect. (squeeak)

    As the nerds emerge victorious, camera shot of Case and Andreesson
    retreating down the aisle to the exit.

    The nerds are now celebrating, cheering and waving their Clue Sticks
    in the air, and shouting the names of their software ("This is a victory
    for Linux!"  "This is a victory for the Gnu Image Manipulation Program!"
    "This is a victory for the Practical Extraction and Report Language!")..
    Until someone mentions FreeBSD. The arena falls silent, and a nerd on the
    other side of the arena shouts, "Dude! Mention
    BSD again and I'll kick your ass!" The cheering starts again, notably
    less enthusiastic than before, until eventually this conversation grows
    to encompass KDE and Gnome, and you get the idea. Linus and Richard
    look completely dumbfounded as chaos erupts among them, nerd fighting
    nerd. One nerd sticks his head out and asks, "Hey guys, what do you think?"
    before being pulled back into the mess. Linus looks at Richard, and
    one of them says "I think it's time to go home and get back to coding."
    The other agrees with a "Yeah," and both walk to the exits.

    On their way out of the building, Richard and Linus stop at a concession
    stand, the Commander Taco, where Richard orders 4 tacos, and Linus says
    he'll have 3 for himself. As the kid behind the counder hands them
    their meals, Linus looks back at the crowd and says "Maybe one day..."
    Richard nods his head, and both turn to leave.]