NARRATOR: "Last time, on Hyper Gawdam Squad X-42..." In deep space, the three Dark Gawdams (red, black, and green) struggle against each other, shooting lasers and missiles and flitting around. AKINARI: "Why are we fighting each other?" KENICHI: "I dunno." BOB: "We have to fight!" AKINARI: "But why? We're on the same side! We even launched from the same ship!" The Gawdams stop fighting. BOB: "Oh. You kind of got me there." Cut to outside view of a space station. KENICHI: "Hey, look. It's one of those space colonies. Let's blow it up for absolutely no reason." AKINARI: "Okay." All the Gawdams turn and aim at the colony. Cut to inside of colony: a little girl chasing a butterfly in a hayfield, suddenly lasers rip through the ground and the girl screams. Cut to outside, see the station falling apart and the gas cloud dissipating. AKINARI, BOB, and KENICHI: "Huhuhuhuh... that was cool." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A large space fleet floats around. Cut to bridge of the flagship. RADARMAN: "Admiral, there's an enemy mobile suit approaching!" ADMIRAL: "A single mobile suit against the entire Seventeenth Fleet? They don't have a chance." The image of the Silver Gawdam appears on the radar. RADARMAN: "It's a Gawdam, sir!" ADMIRAL: "We're toast." Outside, a few hundred mobile suits and warships float in a line. The Silver Gawdam rushes forward, ignoring direct hits from all manner of weaponry and not even bothering to use its shield. The Silver Gawdam draws its sword. RANDOM PILOT: "IT'S A GAWDAM!!!!!" The Silver Gawdam swings its sword and slices through three or four mobile suits at once. RANDOM PILOT: "AAAAUGH!" The Silver Gawdam fires machine guns from its eyebrows, blowing up a whole row of mobile suits. It takes a direct hit from a warship's ship-length cannon, puts away the sword, draws a rifle, and fires a single little shot at the ship. The warship explodes. A mobile suit rises up behind the Gawdam and shoots it in the back. The Gawdam turns and stares at it. The other mobile suit sullenly lowers its weapon and explodes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ CHAPTER 8 THE LOUSY SCRIPT The ESS Delerious floats through space. Cut to interior of bridge. Colonel HAGADYA sits in the command chair looking stalwart. HAGADYA: "Listen up. Our new goal is to reestablish contact with Earth forces now that we've been separated from the main fleet after that Gawdam attack." HELMSMAN: "Colonel Hagadya, as I recall, your exact orders when we saw that thing were 'pull a 180 and run like hell'." HAGADYA: [sweatdrops] "Well, yes. My primary concern is always the safety of this ship and its crew, especially its Captain. For now, we have to reach the supply fleet before that Gawdam does if we hope to have any chance of defeating the enemy." RADARMAN: "Sir.. Sir, there's a mobile suit approaching! It's the Silver Gawdam!" HAGADYA curls up into a ball and cuddles the armrest. HELMSMAN: "It's hailing us!" HAGADYA relaxes and looks stalwart again. HAGADYA: "Well, that's interesting. Let's hear what he has to say." HIRO: "Hey guys, do you know where I can get a mocha frappuchino around here? It was lots of fun blowing up that space fleet, but I got really thirsty." HAGADYA: ".... Sure! Come on board and we'll whip one up for you free of charge." The screen turns off. HAGADYA turns to a crewman. HAGADYA: "What's a mocha frappuchino?" The crewman shrugs. HAGADYA pushes an intercom button to call the galley. HAGADYA: "Hey. Do you guys know how to make a mocha frappuchino?" GALLEY CHEF: "A what?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The RSS Vengeance floats through space. Onboard, Captain DEGRAS greets the Dark Gawdam pilots AKINARI, KENICHI, and BOB. You only see DEGRAS from the rear, with his silver uniform and long, flowing blonde hair. The pilots have somewhat bemused/uncomfortable looks on their faces. DEGRAS: "Welcome aboard the Rebellion ship Vengeance. I am your new commanding officer, Captain Martin DeGras. We are glad to have you here. You may not have heard, but Megalopolis Station, a neutral colony in this area, was destroyed within the past two days. Obviously this could only have been the work of the Earth Fleet." All three pilots sweatdrop. KENICHI: "Uh, yeah. Obviously." DEGRAS turns around, and you see him wearing a frilly pink mariachi mask with red beads hanging down off it. His eye holes narrow in anger. DEGRAS: "We are going to hunt down and destroy the Earthers who did this!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In the Delerious's galley. Hiro stares at an iced coffee confection with a large dollop of whipped cream, sprinkles, and a twisty straw. The entire crew's complement is there watching him. CREWMAN: "Wow, he's just a kid!" HIRO: "What is the meaning of your hospitality? Why are you being so nice to me? Did you really make this coffee just for me?" HAGADYA: "It's yours. Enjoy it, kid." HIRO picks up the coffee and takes a sip. HAGADYA: "So where do you come from, anyway?" HIRO: [^_^ -ing] "I come from outer space!!!" HAGADYA: "So. You're a Hypersapient." The crew gasps. CREWMAN: "A Hypersapient!" HAGADYA: "Genetically engineered to be twice as strong, three times as intelligent, and ten times as confused as a natural-born human teenager." HIRO: "Yeah. I'm surprised you Earthers would treat me so nice considering we're at war and everything." A LIEUTENANT walks over. LIEUTENANT: "Sir, we've approaching the resupply fleet." HAGADYA: "Great, Lieutenant. Lock down the ship and show our new friend here to his guest quarters when he's done with his fancy coffee." LIEUTENANT: "Guest quarters, sir?" HAGADYA: "Right.. oh, yeah. Figure something out between that and -- you know. I'll talk to the captain of the other ship and then I'll be overseeing the final resupply personally." HAGADYA starts to leave. HIRO: "Wait! Where are you going? Why are leaving me?" HAGADYA: "Don't worry, kid! You'll be safe on the Delerious." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ On the Vengeance. CREWMAN: "Captain Degras! We've intercepted a transmission from the Earth Fleet. One of their ships is reporting that they've captured the Silver Gawdam and its pilot." DEGRAS: "Which ship?" CREWMAN: "It's the Delerious, sir." DEGRAS: "That's Colonel Hagadya's ship. This is bad news." AKINARI: "We still outnumber them with the other three Gawdams." DESGRAS: "Yes, but the Silver Gawdam is as powerful as the other three Gawdams combined, and can only be piloted by the angstiest teenager in the galaxy. Colonel Hagadya knows this and he is a clever man. He'll use that knowledge to the greatest advantage." KENICHI: "What can we do to prepare for the battle?" DEGRAS: "There's a Hot Topic on this ship. I suggest you use it." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Delerious's cargo bay. Two crewmen are carrying crates around. CREWMAN_1: "Any idea what these secret supplies are?" CREWMAN_2: "No. The Colonel and the Lieutenant have the whole ship locked down, and they're going to be bringing in the last part themselves. I don't think the Colonel's even let the Lieutenant in on what he's up to." They set the boxes down and stop to catch their breath. CREWMAN_1 grabs a crowbar and starts prying open one of the boxes. CREWMAN_2: "What are you doing?" CREWMAN_1: "I want to see what this secret weapon is." CREWMAN_2: "But... our orders..." CREWMAN_1: "The Lieutenant knew who I was when he picked the two of us for this job. Curious to a fault, bad marks on my record for not following orders... I think he wants us to know what's going on so we can tell him, and he wants a goody two shoes like you around to keep me from blabbing to anyone else. So let's have a look." The box lid pops off. CREWMAN_1 partially unfolds a tablecloth, revealing a few long candles underneath. CREWMAN_2: "What is it?" CREWMAN_1: "Candles?" HAGADYA: "How are you, gentlemen?" CREWMAN_2 quickly replaces the lid, and both stand and salute. BOTH: "Captain! Er, Colonel! Er, Whatever!" HAGADYA: "Stand down... Well, well. I can't have people walking around knowing only half the story, or else rumours will get around. Come on, let me introduce you to our secret weapon." HAGADYA leads them to a shuttle and leaves them standing outside as he walks in. A few moments later, they hear a thump. GIRL's VOICE: "Ow!" HAGADYA'S VOICE: "That's a door, miss." GIRL's VOICE: "Ohh!" The door opens, and the men see HAGADYA accompanying a smiling buxom blonde teenage GIRL in a tight sweater and short skirt. The GIRL waves at the stunned crewmen. GIRL: "Hiii! Wow, you guys are cute!" HAGADYA: "Sorry, she's not for you." The CREWMENs' faces fall. CREWMAN: "So she's for the kid." HAGADYA: "Not just that kid. Each of the four Gawdams is powerful enough to destroy an entire fleet on its own, and they're all piloted by angsty teenage Hypersapient boys with raging hormones. And what do teenage boys want more than anything else? Teenage girls! If we offer them a date with a Hypersapient girl like this, we can get them to destroy each other and then we'll end up with the last one either on our side or, eheh, out of service." CREWMAN: "So that's why we didn't just shoot the kid." GIRL: "The air's so stuffy in here! How do I open the window?" CREWMAN: "I thought Hypersapients were supposed to be three times as smart as normal humans." HAGADYA: "Yes, but she's based on Valley Girl DNA, so that doesn't really matter much in this case." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Later, on the Delirious's bridge. The RADARMAN sees something on his monitor and knocks over his mocha frappuchino as he reaches over to check it out. RADARMAN: "Sir, we've got three mobile suits approaching and a capital ship behind them!" HAGADYA takes a sip of his mocha frappuchino. HAGADYA: "What kind of mobile suits?" RADARMAN: "They're Gawdams, Colonel! Every one of them!" HAGADYA turns to HIRO. HAGADYA: "Hey, you remember how good that fancy coffee was?" HIRO nods. HAGADYA: "Do you want another one?" HIRO nods. HAGADYA: "This ship's going to have to still be around to make fancy coffees if you want to have another one. Can you defend the ship?" HIRO nods. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The four Gawdams fire weapons at each other, hitting and doing no damage. The Red Gawdam slows down and stops. The pilot Akinari puts his mocha frappuchino in the cockpit's cup holder and turns on the commlink. AKINARI: "Hey. What's the point? Our weapons aren't hurting each other." HIRO: "Yeah. I noticed that too." AKINARI: "Here. Take these missiles." The Red Gawdam fires a load of missiles into the Silver Gawdam. HIRO: "Yeah, nothing happened, and these aren't really doing much either." The Silver Gawdam fires its eyebrow cannon into the Red Gawdam, the rounds bouncing off ineffectively. The Red Gawdam fires a few gunshots at the Silver Gawdam to the same effect. The Silver Gawdam draws a long rifle. HIRO: "Could you have a look at this?" The Red Gawdam grabs the rifle barrel and looks in. AKINARI: "Sure." The Silver Gawdam fires. The Red Gawdam is spun around by the blast before it rights itself. HIRO: "That didn't work. I've also got this sword thingy." AKINARI: "Wait. This is a Japanese cartoon, isn't it?" HIRO: "Yeah." AKINARI: "Then the sword thingy probably works." HIRO: "Great!" The Red Gawdam retreats back as the Silver Gawdam rockets towards it with its sword drawn. Then the Red Gawdam draws a sword of its own and blocks the Silver Gawdam's strike. AKINARI: "Ha! I have my own sword thingy!" HIRO: "Wait! Why are we doing this? We're all Hypersapients! Why must we always fight amongst each other when we're brothers? How could there be all this death and destruction and all this war when we'll all humans deep down inside, Hypersapients and Naturals, with the same needs and emotions? And how could they make twelve movies, fourteen television series, and 472 episodes out of one script?" DEGRAS: "Yes, let's stop fighting each other. Join our side and I'll help you find the answers to these questions." HIRO: "I'll join you.. but I won't let you destroy that ship! They make really good mocha frappuchinos on that ship!" HAGADYA: "Time to play my ace." HAGADYA turns on the intercomm with one hand as someone shoves the GIRL into his other arm. GIRL: "Hey. You're cute." HAGADYA: "Thanks. Hey, fellas. Do you know what this is?" ALL 4 PILOTS: "OH MY GOD IT'S A GIRL!" GIRL: "Wow, they're cute too." A shocked DEGRAS slams down his mocha frappuchino on the armrest and shouts at the screen. DEGRAS: "Hey! That's my sister! That's my little sister!" HAGADYA: "Captain DeGras! It's a pleasure seeing you again." GIRL: "Hey, he's really cute. Nice mask." HAGADYA: "That's your brother!" GIRL: "Oh. Yeah. Hi, Mart!" DEGRAS: "What are you doing with my little sister!?" HAGADYA: "Pimping her out. Hey, kids: I bet one of you would love to go out with a beauty like this. Maybe a nice candlelit dinner..." PILOTS: "Let me at her!" "I saw her first!" All four Gawdams start fighting each other like rabid animals. DEGRAS reaches for the commlink and desperately shouts out an announcement to his crew. DEGRAS: "Attention: if there are any single women on this ship, you're to report to the bridge immediately! That is an order!" Quick cut to a random deck: CREWMAN: "Wow, the Captain's been away from home for too long." Another crewman nods in agreement and sips his mocha frappuchino. DEGRAS: "That's quite a desperation tactic you're pulling there, Hagadya. Do you think you've figured out enough of the plotline that it'll work?" HAGADYA: "I expect the pilot of the Silver Gawdam will end up with the girl -- that's your sister --, I'll be his father figure for the human interest angle, and he'll use the Gawdam to kick the Hypersapient Rebellion off Earth and back into space." DEGRAS: "You're missing some key pieces of information, Hagadya. The Rebellion started on Earth, where DNA research created the Hypersapients in the first place." HAGADYA: "And it seems you know that our Gawdam Project was based on Megalopolis Station." DEGRAS: "Actually, it is an accident that my Gawdam pilots errantly destroyed the station, and a surprise to learn that the Gawdams originated with the Earth Fleet. You seem to be well aware that Earth is losing the war without the Gawdams, and might actually stand a chance of winning with them." HAGADYA: "So if I have this straight now, I'll be the mentor and father figure to the the pilot of the Silver Gawdam who will end up with the girl who is the sister of the Captain of the Vengeance who commands the three other Gawdams that blew up Megalopolis Station which hosted the Gawdam Project which was a secret project of the Earth Fleet to create a weapon which could defeat the Rebellion that is lead by Hypersapients who are the product of DNA research conducted back on Earth which is losing the war without these machines which can only be piloted by incredibly angsty teenagers." DEGRAS: "You're a clever man, Colonel Hagadya. I think you might have actually figured out the plot of this show." Suddenly, a warning light flashes on the Vengeance bridge. DEGRAS: "The show's about to end! We need to have something blow up in this episode, or we risk losing ratings!" HAGADYA: "What do you mean? We had a space station and whole space fleet blow up in the beginning." DEGRAS: "Yes, but that was a clip from last week's episode. We need something to blow up in this episode, or else people will lose attention and stop watching the show!" HAGADYA: "Can we blow up one of your Gawdams?" DEGRAS: "No. Their main weapons don't hurt each other, and it doesn't look like any one of them will get a sword strike in before the show ends." HAGADYA: "Too bad. It was nice knowing you." [pushes a button] DEGRAS: "WHAT?!? Open fire!" The Delerious and Vengeance explode. HIRO: "Aw, man!" KENICHI: "That was a cute girl, too." BOB: "Anyone know where we can get a burger around here?" AKINARI: "I could go for a burger." HIRO: "Yeah, let's go get some food." KENICHI: "Yeah." The four Gawdams rocket off to the side. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In the debris field, an escape pod moves. DEGRAS: "My ship is destroyed, but my fighting spirit is far from broken. I /will/ get a new ship, recapture the Gawdams, and win this war for the Rebellion!" Another escape pod moves into view. DEGRAS turns on a video link and sees HAGADYA with GIRL happily perched on his lap sipping a mocha frappuchino. HAGADYA: "Hey, Mart! Glad to see you made it. I've got your sister here, and I've been taking /real good/ care of her." DEGRAS: "Hey! You hand her over right now!" HAGADYA: "Haha! Don't worry, I'll get your sister back to you." DEGRAS: "Slightly used!!?" HAGADYA laughs. Fade out as the two escape pods flit around chasing each other.