Runaway Shmendrick

SHMENDRICK: "I'm Shmendrick, the wandering samurai! I used to be
known as the Bad-Guy, a swordsman who murdered hundreds to overthrow
the Tokugawa Dynasty, but I decided that killing people wasn't
fun anymore so I became some kind of proto-peacenik."

[cutscene: Shmendrick sitting in the street playing a guitar,
period-dressed civilians *stare* at him as they walk by]

SHMENDRICK: o/` "Come on, people now, smile on your brother,
everybody get together, and we'll love one another right now!" o/`

[end cutscene]

SHMENDRICK: "Now I'm content to just trip over things and act silly,
but I still get myself into a fight every episode, so I've sure made
one heck of a lousy pacifist!" 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTACKER1: "I hear the Bad-Guy is in this dojo! I want to fight him!"

YUCKY: "Sorry, but you'll have to get in line behind everyone else.
You can fill out this paperwork while you're waiting. We need proof
you have medical insurance, and this is a waiver of any future claims
against the Commienist Gesundheit dojo for any possible injuries
you might get from fighting the Bad-Guy..."

[Schmendrick and Careless Commienist peer in from the doorway]

SHMENDRICK: "It's amazing how many people are coming to your
dojo to fight me, Miss Careless."

CARELESS: "That's because you announced you were the Bad-Guy in
the first episode, and now everybody in Japan wants to fight you
to prove how tough they are! Maybe we should start charging these
people and you could actually earn your stay, Shmendrick."

SHMENDRICK: "Well, I don't know. That would kind of be like promoting
unnecessary violence, wouldn't it?"

[Yucky walks in a beaten mess covered in bruises and scratches.
A swordsman is behind him]

YUCKY: "Yo, this dude qualifies."

CARELESS: "Yucky, you've been fighting the attackers!?"

YUCKY: "Hey, I'm training to be a swordsman, and why waste Shmendrick's
time on people who can't beat a ten year old kid?"

SHMENDRICK: "He's got a point, Miss Careless."

CARELESS: "Shmendrick, that sounds kind of like promoting unnecessary
violence."

SHMENDRICK: "Well, uh, maybe let Yucky do what he wants, but, uh,
you've got a point, and, uh, I'm confused..."

ATTACKER1: "This is the Bad-Guy?"

SHMENDRICK: "Well, uh, yeah. Heh. Nice to meet you."

ATTACKER1: "*This* is the Bad-Guy?"

SHMENDRICK: "Heh. Didn't I answer that question already?"

ATTACKER1: "Not him?" [points to Sunnysidedown]

SUNNYSIDEDOWN: "Nah, that's really him."

ATTACKER1: "You sure?"

SUNNYSIDEDOWN: "Yeah."

ATTACKER: "Okay... let's fight, Bad-Guy!"

SHMENDRICK: "Okay."

[Shmendrick jumps over Attacker's swing and onto the ceiling]

ATTACKER1: "Hey! Since when has standing on the ceiling been a martial art?
I mean, it would be if it were possible, but, I mean, how the heck --"

[Shmendrick drops off the ceiling and whacks Attacker1]

CARELESS: "Shmendrick beat another assailant!"

SUNNYSIDEDOWN: "Let's celebrate with lots of alcohol!"


[Partying. Careless chugs a jug of sake until she falls over backwards.
Meanwhile, Yucky is lying on the floor in a drunken stupor.]

SUNNYSIDEDOWN: "I wonder how the American censors are going to disguise
the fact that we just got a 10-year-old drunk off his rocker?"

YUCKY: [with badly-drawn mouth] "Uuugh, Careless, your cooking stinks!"

CARELESS: [in cutaway, using stock footage] "WHAAAT?"

SUNNYSIDEDOWN: "That'll do it."

[Next morning]

YUCKY: "Wow, that guy from yesterday must have beaten me harder
than I thought. I have many more bruises than I remember getting
from him, and it almost feels like they hurt more."

CARELESS: [almost blushing] "Well, maybe you shouldn't put yourself
into situations where you might get hurt like that."

[Sunnysidedown rolls his eyes and smirks]


SUNNYSIDEDOWN: "Yucky and I are going into town to do some shopping
and mugging and pickpocketing."

CARELESS: "I thought you were *ex*-criminals!"

YUCKY: "Then don't ask where I get the money to pay you."

CARELESS: "I'll pretend I didn't hear that. While you're out, could
you bring back some fish for tonight's dinner?"

YUCKY: "Only if you're not cooking it."

[Later that morning]

ATTACKER2: "Where is the Bad-Guy?"

CARELESS: "Oh, we have another attacker, and so early in the morning!"

ATTACKER2: "I am Jujube from Ninjas-R-Cool!" [holds up DVD box]
"I'm here to prove that I am the best swordsman of the early
Meiji era!"

SHMENDRICK: "Well, okay, if you say so. You're the best swordsman
of the early Meiji era."

ATTACKER2: "I'm going to destroy you to prove it, Bad-Guy!"

[Attacker jumps at Shmendrick, who dodges]

SHMENDRICK: "Your technique needs improvement."

[Shmendrick disarms the attacker, tosses aside the reverse-blade
sword, and grabs the attacker's sword out of the air]

SHMENDRICK: "Here, let me show you some moves."

[Shmendrick chops Attacker into pieces]

CARELESS: [bug-eyed surprised] "Shmendrick! You just chopped an
unarmed man into pieces! I thought you were a pacifist! I thought
you were going to stop killing!"

SHMENDRICK: "It's alright. That's wasn't really Jujube but his
archenemy Gummybear, who not only has the power to shape-shift
to look like Jujube, but he can bring himself back to life after
he's dead, so I didn't really kill him permanently, I just
inconvenienced him a bit. Also, Jujube knows how to use a sword
and he is a nice guy like me who would never fight for power,
so Gummybear will bring himself back to life in a moment, and then
we can we can reason out our differences over a nice pot of tea.

[Time passes...]

SHMENDRICK: "So.. umm... Gummybear will be reincarnating himself any
moment now... "

[Time passes...]

SHMENDRICK: "I mean, that couldn't have been Jujube because I know
he's a much better swordsman than that..."

[Time passes...]

SHMENDRICK: [standing still in a state of shock and confusion]

CARELESS: [mopping up the dojo floor; Gummybear's parts are stacked like
cordwood in a corner] "I can't believe you, Shmendrick! You're so
klutzy! And silly! And strapping!"

[Shmendrick runs away from the dojo]

SHMENDRICK: "I can't live with myself if I've gone back to being
a killer! I'll have to do the lonely wandering thing for another
ten years or so until I get over it again."


[That evening]

CARELESS: "Dinner is served!"

SUNNYSIDEDOWN: "Gee, I don't know about eating this new exotic food."

CARELESS: "Maki Sushi was invented 100 years ago -- IN JAPAN -- so eat it,
you coward!"

YUCKY: "Why couldn't Shmendrick cook today? And where is he, anyway?"

CARELESS: "Runaway Shmendrick ran away! If he never comes back,
I'm going to have to find someone else to marry!"

SUNNYSIDEDOWN: "Shmendrick needs to deal with his personal demons
on his own. He has a troubled past, and it's up to him to get over it."

CARELESS: "... and whoever I marry is going to have to put up with
my cooking for the rest of their lives."

SUNNYSIDEDOWN: "Then again, Shmendrick could get himself into
trouble out there alone without any friends! We have to find him!"


[Later that evening]

GUMMYBEAR: "My plan worked. Both Jujube and the Bad-Guy are allies
of the Meiji government and may appear to defend it. I can't fight
them both at once, but with the Bad-Guy out of the way, I can beat
Jujube on my own and destroy the government! And that girl lost
some of my parts when she was cleaning. I think I'll destroy her
dojo on the way out of town." 


[At the government building. Gummybear is encircled by hundreds
of policemen with guns and cannons pointed at him and a bundle
of dynamite down his pants wired to a detonator in a shivering
policeman's hands]

POLICEMAN: [with pistol at Gummybear's head] "He's one guy with
a wooden sword, and we're only 600 well-trained guards with rifles,
pistols, and steel swords! We don't stand a chance!"

GUMMYBEAR: "Actually, I don't need the sword, I just brought it
to intimidate people."

[Gummybear drops the sword and the police all run away screaming.]

[Careless, Sunnysidedown, and Yucky appear]

CARELESS: "We will stop you, Gummybear!"

GUMMYBEAR: "Ha! I'm the main villain of a feature film, and you're merely
supporting characters of a television show! You don't stand a chance!"

SHMENDRICK: "I'd rather you didn't mess with my friends."

CARELESS: "Shmendrick! You're back!"

GUMMYBEAR: "The Bad-Guy! This makes things difficult."

SHMENDRICK: "You might be able to defeat my friends, and you might even
be able to defeat the army guarding this building -- oh heck, who am I
kidding, they're a joke. Anyway, you cannot defeat my friends and I
together, so please leave peacefully."

GUMMYBEAR: "I can still defeat you and all your friends, Bad-Guy!
It just might take me a few deaths and reincarnations, but I can do it!"

SHMENDRICK: "Well, yeah, I kind of figured that, so that's why
I brought my new friend who I just met outside town. I believe
the two of you know each other."

[Jujube appears with his sword at Gummybear's neck, holding up
a pendant in his free hand]

JUJUBE: "You owe me. Big time."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[closing -- group is eating dinner]

JUJUBE: "You are a pretty good cook, Shmendrick."

SHMENDRICK: "Thanks! I'm glad that you decided to join us for dinner."

SUNNYSIDEDOWN: "Maybe you could stay a while, and we could make this
into a home for wandering samurai or something."

JUJUBE: "Nah, I think I'm going to keep doing the wandering thing.
That's kind of the point of being a wandering samurai, you know."

YUCKY: "Hey, you think maybe some of us could get a part in
Ninjas-R-Cool 2?"

JUJUBE: "Maybe. No promises."

[Jujube walks off]


[Careless puts down her empty sake bottle, stands up, and smiles
seductively at Shmendrick]

CARELESS: "Shmendrick, come here. There's something I'd like
to... talk to you about."

SHMENDRICK: "Unh?"

SUNNYSIDEDOWN: "Uhh.."

YUCKY: "Huh?"

SUNNYSIDEDOWN: "Hey, Yucky, let's go into town and get some dessert."

YUCKY: "But we have dessert righ-oomph!"

[Sunnysidedown picks up Yucky and carries him off]

[Careless walks up to the door of her dojo, smiles at Shmendrick,
and beckons him over. Shmendrick stands up and starts walking over.
She walks inside. Shmendrick jogs up and follows her. As soon as
he goes through the door, he gets a mop and bucket in his face.]

CARELESS: "You WILL finish cleaning up that bloodstain you put
on the floor of MY dojo, and if you EVER run away again, I will
PERSONALLY track you down and drag you back here. Do you hear me,
Shmendrick?"

SHMENDRICK: "Y-yes, Miss Careless!" [starts mopping up]