A not too long time ago in a movie theatre not far from here..



			       Episode Two
			    Attack of the Pr0n


			There was discontent in
		the Galaxy. Episode One sucked so bad
	that the preceding decades without films were considered
    a blessing. In response, Episode 2 was infused with SEX AND VIOLENCE
in the hopes to recover the box office and fanbase glories of the past....



Above Coruscant, several Nabooan (Nabooish? Nabine? Nabob?) fighters
escort a spaceborne YB-35 into the planet's atmosphere. One of the
fighters zooms within meters of the larger craft.

On board the flying wing, Colonel Sandurz issues a report:

SANDURZ: "Senator, we are entering Coruscant's atmos- FUCK!! Who
the hell assigned Chinese pilots to our escort?"


The craft touch down on a landing pad. Security Dude and Amidala
step out of their fighters.

SECURITY DUDE: "We're still in danger here."

The YB-35 blows up.

SECURITY DUDE: "See? Told you so." 

Amidala rushes over to her stunt double.

STUNT DOUBLE: "I have failed you.."

AMIDALA: "No, actually, you were supposed to be the target of any
attacks instead of me, and you did a pretty good job."



In Palpatine's chambers, a whole bunch of people are arguing about
what to do in response to the assassination attempt.


PALPATINE: "I'm the biggest bad guy of the whole series, and I'd never
want one of the good guys to get killed."

AMIDALA: "I think Count Dooku did it."

WINDU: "Dooku was a Jedi. Even though he's turned to the Dark Side,
that doesn't mean that he'd do anything evil."

YODA: "Yes. Main bad guy of this movie he is, behind this he must
not be. Stupid, we Jedi are."

PALPATINE: "Let's assign two Jedi that you met in the last film to
protect you. If we assigned anyone else, half the plot would go
away and we'd be left with 45 minutes of movie.



An elevator, loosely attached to the side of a building, lifts
Anakin Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi.


KENOBI: "Wow, we've had some adventures."

ANAKIN: "We'd better have. I have to have an excuse to kick ass
in this film."

KENOBI: "Remember that time you got hit on the head really hard,
and you couldn't remember a thing?"

ANAKIN: "That was you!"

KENOBI: "... Oh yeah!"



In Amidala's quarters, Jar Jar Binks greets Kenobi and Anakin.


BINKS: "Meesa busting with happiness aseeing you again!"

KENOBI: "Thanks, now shut up before the audience all runs away."

AMIDALA: "So, you're going to find out who's trying to kill me?"

KENOBI: "No."

ANAKIN: "Yes!"

KENOBI: *grumble* "damn interns. Hey, just who do you think is in charge
here, anyway?"

ANAKIN: "Well, wouldn't finding out who's trying to kill her, and then
stopping them, be a good way to prevent more attacks?"

KENOBI: "Our mandate is to protect Senator Amidala, not to prevent
any attacks against her. If you don't learn to respect the decisions
of management, you'll never get anywhere!"



Meanwhile, in another part of the city...

ASSASSIN: "Damnit, she got away."

FETT: [hands ASSASSIN a can of worms]
"These are highly poisonous. You know what to do."

ASSASSIN: *gulp* "Umm.. can't I have a second chance?"

FETT: *foreheadslap* "I mean kill Amidala with them. If I wanted
you dead for your failure, you would be. And be careful with
them. If they got loose in the city, that would open up 
a can of worms."

The assassin winces. 


Later, we see the Assassin loading the can of worms into a flying
droid. 

ASSASSIN: "I'm getting these things the hell away from me, droids can't
be poisoned. This should be safe enough. Mechanics never go bad,
especially where flight and gravity are involved."

The droid flies up, up, and away with its deadly package.



In Amidala's quarters, Anakin paces around. Kenobi walks in.

KENOBI: "Hey, all the security cameras are turned off!"

ANAKIN: "Yeah, Amidala didn't want to be watched undressing."

KENOBI: "Damn, I had a wireless feed going to my palm pilot. Hey,
so how are we going to tell if anything's going on in there?"

ANAKIN: "Dude, we're Jedi. We're psychic."

KENOBI: "I'm more psychic than you are!"

ANAKIN: "You wanna bet?"


As Anakin and Kenobi argue about whose Jedi skillz are more l33t, the
assassin's flying bot opens up the window to Amidala's bedchamber and
dumps a pair of ugly poisonous critters on the floor.


ANAKIN: "I can sense that R2's hard drive needs a defrag!"

KENOBI: "I can sense that the rug hasn't been vaccumed in 18 days!"

ANAKIN: "I can sense that Amidala's not wearing underwear!"

KENOBI: "I can sense that she's dreaming about doing Jar Jar Binks!"

ANAKIN: "In a hot tub!"

KENOBI: "I can sense that there's a hole in the window!"

ANAKIN: "11 inches square!"

KENOBI: "And that R2's intruder detection system was just tripped!"

ANAKIN: "I can sense that those worms about to bite Amidala are
six inches long!"

KENOBI: "And I..."

Kenobi and Anakin exchange glances, and rush into Amidala's room
to chop the worms into itty bitty pieces with their lightsabers.
When they've made what can pass for a French dish, Kenobi notices the
droid hovering outside the window and dives at it, flattening himself
against the futuristic transparent material. Anakin peels Kenobi off
the window with a Jedi spatula and drags him downstairs into a
flying car to chase the droid. 

KENOBI: "What the hell was I thinking, that I would somehow
catch the droid and not fall two thousand feet to my death?"



There's a big flying car chase scene. Anakin takes a wrong turn.

KENOBI: "Dumbass!"

ANAKIN: "Hey! Why's everything always have to be my fault?"

KENOBI: "Because it is! Because you're a dumbass!"

ANAKIN: "I hate you! You're always berating me and criticizing me!
Fuck you! I'm not going to take this anymore!"

Anakin dives out of the car, and lands on Assassin's car. The
Assassin looks up at an equally surprised Anakin, and pulls some
fancy moves to shake him off. Anakin holds on to the car.

ANAKIN: "Hey! Are you trying to kill me? I was trying to do that!
Amidala will be pissed if I let you get away, so..."

Anakin chops up the Assassin's car with his lightsaber. They crash
land, and the Assassin runs into a bar. Kenobi shows up.

ANAKIN: "She's in the bar!"

KENOBI: "Great, she's trapped. You go in there and use the Force
to find her, while I go get drunk. You were the one who lost her."


Anakin wanders the bar, using the Force to seek out the Assassin.
The Assassin wanders behind Anakin, holding a gun to his head.

ANAKIN: "She's around here somewhere..."

The Assassin smirks.

ANAKIN: "I can feel her presence."

The Assassin's smirk grows into a wide grin.


Kenobi steps up the the bar. 

SOME SLIMEBALL: "You wanna buy some death sticks?"

KENOBI: "You don't want to sell me death sticks."

SOME SLIMEBALL: "How about some peace sticks?"

KENOBI: "You don't want to sell me peace sticks."

SOME SLIMEBALL: "You wanna buy some rock?"

KENOBI: "You don't want to sell me rock. Or death sticks. Or peace sticks."

SOME SLIMEBALL: "You wanna buy some needles?"

KENOBI: "You don't get the picture, do you?"

SOME SLIMEBALL: "I don't get the picture, do I."


ANAKIN: "She is very close now. I can feel it!"

The Assassin giggles. Kenobi hears this, looks, and lops her arm off.

ANAKIN: "Jedi business. Nothing to see here."

BAR PATRON: "Hey! There's somebody's arm on the floor!"

BAR PATRON 2: "No there isn't, didn't you hear the guy?"


Anakin and Kenobi drag the Assassin outside the crowded bar and onto
the crowded street. Suddenly, everyone but the three inexplicably
disappear. Anakin and Kenobi start interrogating the Assassin.

Perched on a nearby balcony, Jango Fett looks through his arsenal
of explosive missiles and rapid fire guns to pick the right thing to
use for the situation of two enemies, close by each other and unaware
of his presence, extracting information from a compromised employee.
He settles on a peashooter.

ANAKIN: "Who hired you?!"

ASSASSIN: "Alright, I'll tell. It was a bounty hunter named..."

Fett's dart strikes Assassin in the neck.

ASSASSIN: "Fuck... what a cliche."

Assassin dies. Fett escapes.



Anakin and Kenobi deliver their report to the Jedi High Council.


KENOBI: "We're looking for a bounty hunter named Fokwata Clishea."

WINDU: "Amidala is in danger. This entire planet is a heavily urbanized
city with trillions of people, so there's nowhere to hide her here. She'd
be safer taking a trip through space, where nothing can go wrong, to her
home planet where she's a celebrity whose every movement will be tracked
by local media. Since Anakin is the person most likely to be incompetent
for the job of protecting her because of his strong feelings for her,
he will be assigned this duty."



Anakin and Amidala hike their luggage to a large ship emblazoned
with the Enlightenment logo, where they will pass themselves off
as refugees. Anakin is dressed in stained robes. Amidala is dressed
in finery and royal crown. Anakin mugs a real refugee and dumps their
robe over Amidala's head.



Kenobi hits a burger joint run by Goro's ugly brother. He shows his
friend the dart that was used to assassinate the assassin.

GUB: "Yeah, you want to go to planet Camino. The people there are cloners."

KENOBI: "All of them?"

GUB: "Yes, have you ever known a planet to not have a monoculture economy?"



Kenobi visits the water world Camino.


KENOBI: "Coruscant's a city, Naboo is a paradise, Tatooine is a desert,
and now a water world. Isn't there a planet in this galaxy that has
some environmental diversity?"

CAMINOAN: "Welcome, Jedi. We've been expecting you."

KENOBI: "Oh fuck. This means I'm going to die, right?"

CAMINOAN: "Not unless you don't pay the bill for the clone army you ordered."

KENOBI: "Clone army? Oh, I'd like to hear about this."

CAMINOAN: "Didn't you come here for the army?"

KENOBI: "Uhh, yeah, sure. Tell me about it anyways."


Kenobi learns the people of Camino are extremely gullible as they don't
catch on that he doesn't know anything about any plans to build a clone
army, no matter how obvious this is. He learns that a bounty hunter
named Jango Fett is on the planet, and visits.


KENOBI: "Hi. Would you know a bounty hunter named Fokwata Clishea?"

FETT: "Never heard of him."

KENOBI: "He would have been on Coruscant a few weeks ago, trying to
kill a Senator."

FETT: *sweat runs down his face* "Urk.. uhh.. there are a lot of 
bounty hunters trying to kill Senators on Coruscant. It'd be
impossible to know them all. Sorry I couldn't help you."


Kenobi reports in to the Council, standing in the sheet rain outside
his ship and wishing he'd bought that cockpit transmitter interface
when he had the opportunity earlier. From Coruscant, the Jedi High
Council tells him to capture Jango Fett for further information and
to get inside for Christ's sake, is he trying to catch a cold?


Kenobi runs out and catches Jango and son Boba boarding their ship.
Jango kicks Kenobi's ass and leaves. Kenobi tosses a tracking device
on Jango's ship.



Meanwhile on Naboo, Anakin is studying a "150 sure fire pickup lines"
doc he found on the Internet. He soon puts them to use on Amidala.


ANAKIN: "Hey baby, you're looking hot tonight. Your beauty is like
a candle, better use it before it's all melted. C'mon, what's a little
sex between friends? I've loved you since the day I first laid eyes on
you, and I want to go beyond simply laying eyes to just plain laying."

Amidala shudders and winces at the barrage of bad lines.

ANAKIN: "Amidala, my feelings for you are so great... why don't you
give me what I need?"

Amidala hands Anakin a box of Kleenex and walks out of the room.



Later that night, Anakin is crying out in his sleep.


ANAKIN: "No! No! No! No, George, don't use this take! No! Ooo, look
at my nipple!"



The next day, Anakin informs Amidala that he is leaving.


ANAKIN: "Remember how you don't think much about my ideas for handling
your security? Well, you can handle your own protection now. See you later!"

AMIDALA: "Wait a second! I'd rather be sexually harassed than dead.
I'm going with!"

ANAKIN: *leer* "Oh, so you'd like to be sexually harassed?"

AMIDALA: "Not if you want to keep your lightsaber, if you know what I mean."



Kenobi follows Fett to Geonesis. Fett's son follows Kenobi on radar. Fett
follows the rule of "shoot first, ask questions later". Kenobi follows
old submarine war movies.



Anakin shows up on Tatooine and tracks down his mother, Shmi Skywalker,
who has been captured by Tuscan raiders, who are even more vicious than
Oakland Raiders (though not quite as bad as their fans). He sneaks into
the raider camp and releases his mother from her bonds.

SHMI: "Thanks for rescuing me. I'm going to die now." *croak*

ANAKIN: "What the fuck? Okay, who else wants to die?"


After killing all the raiders, Anakin brings Shmi's body back to the
Lars mushroom farm where he has to convince the Larses not to use
the body as valuable fertilizer and not to sue him for downloading MP3s. 



Kenobi lands on Geonesis, which he discovers to be yet another planet
with one theme. This planet's theme is to be full of things trying to
kill him.



In the Senate at Coruscant, Jar Jar Binks is finishing a speech.

BINKS: "And since meesa so stupid, messa asking you to grant the
Supreme Chancellor the power to build an army."

SENATE: [massive cheering]

PALPATINE: "Thanks. And with this new power, I'll build an army."

SENATE: [booing]

WINDU: "Well, that was quick."



On Tatooine, Amidala and Anakin receive Kenobi's message about Geonesis,
with the accompanying action flick of Kenobi being shot at, and pass it
on to Jedi HQ. 


AMIDALA: "I'm going to go rescue Obi Wan Kenobi."

ANAKIN: "If you think you can do it without my skills, go ahead. That
bastard doesn't need my help."

AMIDALA: "If you ever want this sweet ass, you'd better stay nearby it."

ANAKIN: "Hold on Obi Wan, we're coming for you!"



Anakin and Amidala travel to Geonesis, participate in a massive platformer
game, and get captured and brought to an arena to be executed.


AMIDALA: "Since we're about to die, I just want to say that I wish
I'd let you nail me on the ride over here." 

ANAKIN: "Whoa! Hey, guards, can we have a fifteen minute reprieve?"


The guards bring Anakin and Amidala into the arena, where they are
met with cheers from the bloodthirsty crowd. They are chained to
a series of posts, upon one of which Kenobi is already tied up.


KENOBI: "Dumbass." 

ANAKIN: "Hey, I don't see you doing any better."

KENOBI: "That's because you're too weak with the Force. I'm fine. In
fact, I have a plan."

ANAKIN: "Let's hear it."

KENOBI: "You wouldn't understand, padawan."

ANAKIN: "Oh yeah? I bet you don't have a plan."

KENOBI: "What does the Force say?"

ANAKIN: "That you don't have a plan."

KENOBI: "That's because you're too weak to detect it. I'm that good."


The guards bring three nasty and ugly looking monsters into the arena.


KENOBI: "Ooooooh shit."



The first creature is a close relative of those green suckers
from HalfLife. The guards lead it out by whacking the ground in
front of it with their spears. The creature stumbles forward
ungracefully.

The second creature is a giant three-horned bull. The guards zap it
in the ass with their cattle prods until it moves to the middle
of the arena, where being a herbivore it proceeds to peacefully
dig up roots out of the ground to munch on.

The third creature is a giant kitty cat that had once walked
the wrong way on a one-way street, and is hence about half as
tall as it should be and twice as nasty. After one prod from
the guards, it chomps the prodder. The other guards decide to
leave it the hell alone. 



Amidala uses a lockpick she'd snuck in to unlock her chains.
Anakin just uses the Force to will them unlocked.
Kenobi snickers.

KENOBI: "Looks like this wasn't that much trouble after all."

ANAKIN: "I wouldn't say that just yet, boss."


The green beastie brings down a sharp claw over Kenobi's head,
scaring the piss out of him. The claw impacts the post right
above Kenobi, severing the chains between his hands.


KENOBI: "Thanks."


The green creature looks at Kenobi through its crossed eyes, blinking.
It brings up another claw and lays it into where Kenobi just got
the hell out of the way from, and soon misses a diving Kenobi with
a third claw. Kenobi starts running for his life as the crowd cheers.


ANAKIN: "Well, it looks like Obi Wan's taking care of himself. About
wanting me to nail you..."

AMIDALA: "Sure!"


Anakin and Amidala throw their clothes off and go at it right there
in the arena, bringing the biggest cheers from the crowd yet. The
Jedi rescue party ringing the arena collectively put down their
lightsabers to watch. Kenobi and the green beast catch a glance
and temporarily stop their chase to enjoy the show. In the balcony,
Jango covers Boba's eyes while Dooku and the Federation dudes look
on in astonishment.


FEDERATION DUDE: "They can't do that, can they?"

DOOKU: "It appears they're capable. Not that you mind?"

FEDERATION DUDE: "Oh, no. This makes it much more interesting.
We are going to shoot them when they're done?"


On the floor, the giant bull looks up at the events, smiles,
and wanders over to where the cat is munching on a guard. The
cat is taken by surprise by the horned and horny bull and is crushed
the rest of the way under the larger beast's weight, killing it. 


Mace Windu enters the balcony from the arena's internal halls. Within
a second his lightsaber is at Fett's throat.


WINDU: "All right Dooku, it's over. Release... *what* *the* *hell* are
they doing down there?"


As Windu peers over the balcony to look, Fett quickly fires his
flamethrower. Windu jumps off the balcony and lands on the arena
floor, his cloak ablaze.


Anakin and Amidala finish up and reclothe, to the applause of the
crowd and assembled Jedi rescue party.


DOOKU: "Okay, send in the droids, let's kill them now."

FEDERATION DUDE: "All right! This is gonna be good."


The droids march in, firing their lasers everywhere. The Jedi
hop down into the arena, spraining their ankles to a man. Kenobi
grabs a fallen Jedi's lightsaber and slices up the green beastie.

Jango Fett rocketpacks down to the arena to finish off Windu. He
levels his blaster at Windu, who is still snuffing out his cloak,
and then feels something heavy tap into the side of his helmet.
Jango turns to look and finds a giant horn under his nose.


FETT: "What the hell?"


The bull moos seductively and steps closer to Jango. Jango steps
back and fires his blaster at the bull's head, permanently extinguishing
the beast's libido. He turns back to Windu in time to see the
lightsaber sever his head with a wooden crack. Jango's head is
lifted up and away into the air with the force of the swing.


STADIUM ANNOUNCER: "And it's a deep line drive down left field! This
could be out of here! The wind's pushing it towards the fowl line. Is it?"


Jango's head bounces off the foul pole.


STADIUM ANNOUNCER: "It's a home run, ladies and gentlemen!"


Windu raises his arms and takes a victory lap around the stadium
in slow motion through the dust, droids, and laser fire.


From the balcony, Dooku looks down at the tiny Jedi force surrounded
by his droid armies.


DOOKU: "Hey, Windu! If you haven't figured it out yet: you're fucked!
So why don't you surrender so I can kill you quicker?"


Windu starts to speak but is interrupted by the whine of engines
as bulky flying craft hover down into the arena. Yoda sits on one
of the craft, which are manned by the clones from Camino.


YODA: "Around the survivors, a circle create."

CLONE: "Come again?"

YODA: "Circle survivors, around create."

CLONE: "Huh?"

YODA: "Survivors circle create around."

ANOTHER CLONE: "What's he saying?"

CLONE: "I haven't a clue."

YODA: "Land."

CLONES: "Land!"


The ships land in the arena and offload a brigade of clones who
proceed to wipe out the drones and rescue the Jedi. More clones
and ships engage the robot army outside. Dooku retreats to his
command center.


FEDERATION DUDE: "We're losing."

DOOKU: "Well, this sucks."

ALIEN: "I'm going to go hide the plans for building our secret weapon."


The alien turns off a holographic display of the Death Star. Dooku
rushes over and turns it back on.


DOOKU: "Hey, you didn't show it off enough. Listen, audience: this
is the Death Star. It's that big thing in Episodes 4 and 6 that
blows up planets and stuff. Although it's completely meaningless
to the plot of Episode 2 here, I feel compelled to show it off
s'more. Take a good look, you'll be seeing it again."



Outside, the Federation starships begin lifting off.


YODA: "Concentrate fire on the nearest starship."


The clones concentrate fire on the nearest starship, which falls
down right on top of them.


CLONE: "This is the last time I listen to that little shit."



Dooku escapes on a hoverbike to his private hanger, to where he is
followed by Anakin and Kenobi.


KENOBI: "Let's take him together."

ANAKIN: "What, and let you steal my kill?"


Anakin charges Dooku and is zaptised by a blast of dark energy
from Dooku's hands, leaving him lying in a corner.


KENOBI: "Dumbass."

DOOKU: "Can you please go as quickly so I can get the heck out of here?"

KENOBI: "That's not going to happen."


Dooku quickly defeats Kenobi in a lightsaber duel, wounding him.


DOOKU: "I thought you said you weren't going to be defeated as quickly."

KENOBI: *wincing in pain* "Don't rub it in!"


Anakin awakens from his shock and charges Dooku again. Kenobi Forces
his lightsaber into Anakin's free hand, and Anakin faces off with
two sabers against Dooku.

Dooku chops one of Anakin's sabers in half.


ANAKIN: "That wasn't good."


Dooku chops Anakin's other arm off.


ANAKIN: "That *really* wasn't good."


Anakin collapses.  A tapping sound announces the arrival of Yoda
and his cane.



DOOKU: "Ah, Master Yoda. The Dark Side has made me strong with the
force... stronger than you, even. Ah, who the fuck am I kidding?
You're Yoda."


Dooku draws his lightsaber.


DOOKU: "Now, let's see what you've got in this category, you
little runt."


Yoda draws his lightsaber, and the two engage in an epic battle.
Yoda has the obvious skill advantage, but toys with Dooku rather
than defeat him. Yoda's movements become more and more flashy to
the point where he is spending more effort dancing around Dooku
than fighting him.

Dooku turns off his saber and rolls his eyes as Yoda somersaults
around the floor and sticks his tongue out at Dooku. Yoda then
leaps into the air, and Dooku turns his saber back on and points
it straight outward as Yoda bounces off the walls. Yoda rebounds
off the wall and careens towards Dooku, impaling himself on
Dooku's outstretched saber. Yoda looks down at the gaping hole
in his chest as Dooku boards his escape craft.


YODA: "Fuck up big time, I did."



Dooku escapes to Coruscant, where he meets with Palpatine.


PALPATINE: "Welcome, Lord Tyranus."

DOOKU: "Man, you should have been there. He nailed her!"


Palpatine says nothing, but stares at Dooku. One doesn't need to
know the Force to understand the meaning behind the gaze, even
hidden by Palpatine's cloak. Dooku gets to business.


DOOKU: "Everything is going according to plan. Except for that
Amidala and the most powerful Jedi are still alive, and I told the
Jedi that you're the Sith Lord Darth Sidius and they should be
after you any day now, and I told everyone who is seeing this movie
about the Death Star so someone has to have a comm channel to the
Galactic Senate to report this, and our allies will probably
stop fighting once they notice that we don't have a droid army
anymore so this war is going to be shorter than expected, and...."



In the Jedi Council chambers, the Jedi discuss the aftermath of
the battle.


WINDU: "It wouldn't have been a victory if not for the clones."

YODA: "Hmph. Victory, you say? I've got a big fucking hole in my
chest, and you call that a victory?"
 


Meanwhile, on Naboo, Anakin and Amidala are getting hitched in
a private ceremony. 


PRIEST: "And you may now kiss the bride. ... I said kiss her! Oh,
get a room you two! That's disgusting!"


Ending credits roll...