A not too long time ago in a movie theatre not far from here.. Episode 3 Revenge of the Schtick BORING! The unified audience response to the last film threw the director into a fit of panic. Desperate to produce another box office epic that could stand on its own merits, he added bigger battles, contrived situations, and more computer generated special effects... [Opening Scene: Let's open the movie into a really big space battle! There'll be lots of really big ships and explosions and fighters and laser beams! Wait, we'll open into just seeing one ship and then we'll pan over and see a really big space battle. Yeah! That'll be cool.] KENOBI: There's General Grievous's ship, and it doesn't have any fighter cover. This is our lucky day. [Grievous's ship launches 500 fighters] KENOBI: Oh, shit. CANNONFODDER1: General Kenobi! We're only four fighters that [*blam*] Auugh! CANNONFODDER2: We'll hold off the entire [*blam*] Auugh! CANNONFODDER3: Aw, fuck it. [*blam*] Auugh! ANAKIN: I'm going to break formation and help our shitty wingmen. KENOBI: Don't be a dumbass! We need to go forward and land on Grievous's ship to rescue the Chancellor. The X-Wings will keep the droids off our back until we get there. CANNONFODDER4: [*blam*] Auugh! ANAKIN: They're Ex-Wings now, and the droids are firing missiles at us! KENOBI: [*gulp*] Just keep going forward and trust in the Force... ANAKIN: How about trusting in jammers, chaff, and flares? KENOBI: This is A Long Long Time Ago and those haven't been invented yet. ANAKIN: To hell with this. I'm taking evasive action. KENOBI: Eva.. Hey! That's a good idea! [turns] Hey, the missiles are still following us! ANAKIN: I got the two missiles tracking me to run into each other! KENOBI: I got the two missiles tracking me to, umm, stop tracking me. However, they seemed to dump a bunch of space junk that's sticking to my ship and poking holes in it. [an attacking droid decapitates Kenobi's R-4 unit and uses its head for a frisbee] KENOBI: Actually, this could get bad. ANAKIN: Shake them off. Hit the emergency brake or something. KENOBI: That would be the button that doesn't work anymore because they drilled a hole through the controls. ANAKIN: Hold it steady. I'll take care of this. [ANAKIN shoots at KENOBI's fighter, blasting off half of the attacking droids along with KENOBI's left wing] KENOBI: What the hell are you doing!? You blew off my wing, dumbass! ANAKIN: Sorry. Let's try this a different way: "Hot Shots" style. [ANAKIN bumps wings with KENOBI, knocking most of the other droids off. The surviving droid hops onto ANAKIN's fighter.] KENOBI: Great. Now the droid's on *your* ship. ANAKIN: R-2, bust a cap in his ass. R2-D2: Bleebableebleep! [Translation: West side, motherfucker!] [R2-D2 pops a gun out of his head and blows away the droid. ANAKIN and KENOBI continue on without any further trouble from the droid fighters and soon reach Grievous's ship, where KENOBI wipes out half the combat droids in the hangar with his lousy landing before the two get to work with their lightsabers.] KENOBI: R-2, take my cellphone so I can keep in contact with you. While you're waiting, it has Snake and Blackjack. R2-D2: Bleebableebleep! [Translation: What, no Tetris?] KENOBI: All the elevators are down. ANAKIN: Let's take the stairs. KENOBI: What's so epic sci-fi about that? Elevators are cooler. ANAKIN: Maybe they have an escalator? It would be sort of halfway. KENOBI: No. We're taking an elevator, even if it kills us. ANAKIN: What about the danger? Oh, you kind of- KENOBI: Ha! I piss on danger! ANAKIN: When it's the electric fence kind of danger, yeah. KENOBI: R-2, give us an elevator. R2-D2: Bleebableebleep! [Translation: Okee-dokey, boss!] [An elevator appears. ANAKIN and KENOBI enter, and after a bunch of trouble involving crawling in and out of it and nearly getting flattened by it at both ends, they arrive at Chancellor Palpatine's location.] KENOBI: Chancellor! It's good to see you here, unguarded, on the observation deck where you can watch the entire battle carried out as if you had been looking forward to it! PALPATINE: Actually, Count Dorku is here. DOOKU: Dooku! ANAKIN: Hey, it's the guy who chopped off my hand! KENOBI: Don't be a dumbass this time. We're taking him together. ANAKIN: Just don't let him whoop your ass so quickly. [DOOKU whoops KENOBI's ass and drops a bulkhead on his head] ANAKIN: Okay, it's just you and me again. Again. I'll let you know, the law of averages is on my side this time. DOOKU: Can we just say best two out of three wins? ANAKIN: Oka-- heyyy, wait a minute. DOOKU: Darn. I'll just have to beat you then. [ANAKIN and DOOKU fight epicly until ANAKIN chops off both of DOOKU's hands. ANAKIN holds his and DOOKU's lightsabers at DOOKU's throat.] PALPATINE: Kill him! ANAKIN: Nah, I got him back for my hand plus interest. Besides, it's not the Jedi way. PALPATINE: So what? He's Count Doofus. DOOKU: Dooku! PALPATINE: He's a bad guy. Kill him. ANAKIN: Nah, I don't think so. PALPATINE: You're sparing the life of Count Dickweed? DOOKU: Just kill me so I don't have to hear him make fun of my name! PALPATINE: Count Dogfood. ANAKIN: Count Moocow! PALPATINE: Count Poopoo. [DOOKU screams and lunges forward into ANAKIN's sabers] PALPATINE: See? That wasn't too hard. ANAKIN: I don't know. It was kind of uncomfortable. PALPATINE: But it felt good, didn't it? ANAKIN: Let's just get out of here and pretend it didn't happen. [ANAKIN leads PALPATINE in a climb down the elevator shaft and carries KENOBI's unconscious body over his shoulder] PALPATINE: Dookie. ANAKIN: Dookie or Doogie? PALPATINE: Dookie as in the Green Day album, but Doogie Howser is good too. KENOBI: [wakes up] ... Uh? What happened? ANAKIN: We beat Count Dooku [PALPATINE snickers] and rescued the Chancellor! KENOBI: Did we win the game? ANAKIN: What? KENOBI: What quarter is it? ANAKIN: Go back to sleep. KENOBI: Yes, mom. [The three are captured and, in a display of mind-boggling stupidity, are brought 1) to the bridge 2) with their light sabers. Twenty seconds later...] KENOBI: Okay, we would have complete control of the ship now except for the fact that the ship is out of control and tumbling into the atmosphere. Anakin, you fly small fighters really well. Can you pilot a large battleship? ANAKIN: Sure, just let me find the "get me out of this movie" button. [The ship breaks up in the atmosphere. With no thrust, wings, or attitude control, ANAKIN pilots the cabin to a relatively soft landing.] ANAKIN: That's the tenth time I saved your life. KENOBI: Ninth! That time on Beta Carotene doesn't count because I wasn't conscious to see it! [ANAKIN departs to go to the Senate and be a hero. On the way there, AMIDALA pulls him aside and sucks his tongue out.] ANAKIN: Hey, people will see us! AMIDALA: I don't care! ANAKIN: Yeah, well, you're not the one who's going to be kicked out of the Jedi priesthood if people find out you have a girlfriend. AMIDALA: Girlfriend? I'm your wife! ANAKIN: Well, that's just as bad. There's a strict "No Nookie" rule in the Jedi, although I hear Windu is a "bottom" at some of the wilder parties, but that's just rumors. AMIDALA: Do you mind? [kisses Anakin] ANAKIN: Well, I think whatever Windu does is his own business, but- AMIDALA: No, do you mind this? ANAKIN: Hell no! You even seem to be a little curvier than I remember. AMIDALA: That's called "being pregnant". ANAKIN: Wha... Erk... I... we... uh... AMIDALA: Mmm-hmm. ANAKIN: Us... we... ah... baby... erk... AMIDALA: Mmm-hmm. [ANAKIN meets the Chancellor] PALPATINE: Anakin, if you don't mind spying on the Jedi Council, I'd like you to be my eyes and ears there. ANAKIN: Okee-dokey! I'm already your bitch! [two minutes later] KENOBI: Anakin, if you don't mind spying on the Chancellor, the Jedi Council would like to know what he's up to. ANAKIN: How dare you suggest such a thing! That's treason! [ANAKIN goes to the Jedi Council] WINDU: We'll let you on the Council, but we won't grant you the rank of Master. ANAKIN: What the hell? That's never been done before! WINDU: We just don't think you're ready to be a Master yet. ANAKIN: Why!? You think I'm somehow not Jedi enough!? I can control my fucking emotions, damn it! I'm more humble than all of you! I'm more humble than this whole goddamn planet! [ANAKIN meets with AMIDALA] ANAKIN: Padme, I've been having dreams about you. AMIDALA: Oh, I bet you have. [smiles] ANAKIN: They're the same sort of dreams I used to have about my mother. AMIDALA: ... ANAKIN: Bad dreams, like I had before she died. AMIDALA: Do you think this is going to be a bad movie too? ANAKIN: No, I think you're going to die in childbirth. AMIDALA: I think you should just ignore the dreams. ANAKIN: I think it's really going to happen. JAR JAR BINKS: Meesa think-- EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE AUDIENCE: Shut up! JAR JAR BINKS: *whimper* [KENOBI departs] KENOBI: Yoda's going to help the Wookies, and I'm going to take down General Grievous. ANAKIN: You'll need my help. KENOBI: I know. That's exactly why you're not coming. [YODA and the clones are at the Wookies' planet] CLONE COMMANDER: Okay, let's plan our strategy. WOOKIE: WHAAAUH! YODA: Attack think I will the droids soon. Ready must we them be for. WOOKIE: WHAAAUH! YODA: Implacements ready the Wookies the beach reporting are on. WOOKIE: WHAAAUH! YODA: Fire the heights cover from help them we would. WOOKIE: WHAAAUH! CLONE COMMANDER: Umm, we'll just wing it. YODA: For me works this does. WOOKIE: WHAAAUH! [KENOBI attacks GRIEVOUS on another planet] KENOBI: Alright, Grievous. Let's get it on. GRIEVOUS: *cough* *hack* *cough* [KENOBI taps his foot] GRIEVOUS: *cough* I was *hack* trained *cough* by Count *cough* Dooku! KENOBI: Trained in what, dramatic projectile sneezing? [GRIEVOUS draws four lightsabers] KENOBI: Oh. GRIEVOUS: Isn't this *hack* cool? I've *cough* got FOUR *cough* robotic arms and *cough* FOUR light*hack*sabers! This is *hack* more *cough* awesome than *hack* the *cough* double *cough* sided light*hack*saber that *cough* Darth Maul used! And *cough* watch me spin them around! [KENOBI chops off GRIEVOUS's hand] GRIEVOUS: *cough* *hack* *cough* Oops. [KENOBI chops off GRIEVOUS's other hand] GRIEVOUS: *hack* That sucked. *cough*. [KENOBI chops off GRIEVOUS's other other hand] GRIEVOUS: To *cough* hell with this. [GRIEVOUS puts his lightsaber away and pounds KENOBI into a pulp] KENOBI: Great. I got my butt kicked by an asthmatic robot with emphysema. GRIEVOUS: I'm *cough* not a *cough* robot. *hack* I'm a *cough* cyborg built around *hack* the remains *hack* of *cough* my *cough* biological *hack* body. [opens chestplate] See? *hack* Here's my heart. [KENOBI grabs a blaster and shoots GRIEVOUS's heart] GRIEVOUS: Oops. KENOBI: [smiles] Dumbass. [ANAKIN returns to the Jedi Council] ANAKIN: Alright, I'm back. What's new? WINDU: Good news! Master Kenobi has defeated General Grievous. ANAKIN: Already? I just came back from seeing him off! WINDU: Things are happening quickly these days. ANAKIN: That explains how Padme went from first to third trimester before lunch this morning. WINDU: Go tell Palpatine and see how he reacts. [On WINDU's orders, ANAKIN tells PALPATINE that KENOBI killed GRIEVOUS] ANAKIN: General Grievous is dead. The war is over, even though the actual leaders of the rebellion are still alive, their space fleets are still in the sky, and their battle droid manufacturing plants are still operating. PALPATINE: That's great. Hey, want a taste of the Dark Side? ANAKIN: What? PALPATINE: I've got some great Sith here. I think you'll like it. ANAKIN: Eh.... no, thanks. PALPATINE: It can save Amidala's life. ANAKIN: Sorry, but I have to tell the Jedi Council about this. [ANAKIN returns to the Jedi Council] ANAKIN: You know that Chancellor Palpatine? WINDU: Yes...? ANAKIN: Well, he's sorta, kinda, a Sith Lord. WINDU: WHAT?!? We have to arrest him! ANAKIN: You'll need my help. WINDU: I know. That's exactly why you're not coming. [WINDU and three Jedi Extras walk into PALPATINE's chamber] WINDU: Chancellor Palpatine! On behalf of the Galactic Senate, you are under arrest! PALPATINE: I am the Galactic Senate! WINDU: Yeah, and we're four Jedi with lightsabers. Your move, motherfucker. PALPATINE: Alright. You asked for it. [PALPATINE draws a lightsaber, leaps forward, and kills the Jedi Extras in sequence while the other Jedi just stand there looking stupid. WINDU and PALPATINE battle until WINDU gets the upper hand, disarms PALPATINE, and has his saber at PALPATINE's throat. At that moment, ANAKIN runs in.] PALPATINE: Anakin! Save me! He's trying to kill me! WINDU: He's dangerous! Didn't you see the other Jedi he killed? ANAKIN: I didn't see any other Jedi. WINDU: What the fuck? Their bodies are right th- [PALPATINE zaps WINDU and throws him out the window] PALPATINE: So, you want to save Padme's life? ANAKIN: Yeah! PALPATINE: Great! Just kill all the other Jedi, including the children in training. ANAKIN: No problemo, boss! [On the Wookie planet, YODA winces and puts a hand to his head] YODA: An aspirin badly I need. [Meanwhile, a TROOPER receives a holographic message] PALPATINE: Execute order six-six-sixty-six hundred-sixer-six-six. TROOPER: That's the order to kill all the Jedi, right? PALPATINE: Yes, moron. TROOPER: Alright. We're going to kill the Jedi. [YODA overhears this and kills the troopers first] WOOKIES: WHAAAUH! [YODA runs away to a tiny spaceship and says goodbye to the Wookies] YODA: Miss you I will, Tarfful. TARFFUL: WHAAAUH! YODA: And miss you I will, Chewbacca. CHEWBACCA: WHAAAT the fuck am I doing in this movie? [And then let's have a bunch of stuff happen so that ANAKIN and KENOBI can fight on a FIRE WORLD, like, inside a volcano! That'd be an awesome place for a fight! We could have lava shoot up behind them when their swords hit and have them floating on platforms on the lava and even have a LAVA WATERFALL! Wow, that'd be sweet!] ANAKIN: You're either with me... or you're my enemy! KENOBI: Only the Sith and really stupid Presidents named George W. Bush say things like that! [Oh yeah, YODA and PALPATINE will have a fight. They're the two most awesomest characters so it's going to be awesome, with them using their Force powers and furniture flying around and everything. Afterwards, PALPATINE will have to explain it away...] UNNAMED SENATOR WITH SHORT LIFE EXPECTANCY: Hey, the Jedi kick ass. Everybody knows that. How the heck did you manage to survive two assassination attempts by five Jedi? I'll give you that Anakin might have saved your life the first time, but he wasn't there to protect you from the last attempt, and did you see the mess that it made of the Senate chambers? How in the world did your humble highness survive that and actually beat a Jedi on your own? PALPATINE: When the Senate voted to give me executive powers, they really gave me executive powers. [After the battles, Senator ORGANA flies YODA, KENOBI, and AMIDALA out to an asteroid where AMIDALA goes into labor and has a mechanical baby ejector strapped to her crotch.] AMIDALA: AAAUGH IT HURTS! I'M DYING! AAUGH! KENOBI: This one's a boy. What do you want to name it? AMIDALA: AAAUGH! KENOBI: ... okay, let's call him "Luke". Alright, the next one's coming out... and it's a girl! Padme, what do you want to name her? ... Padme? Padme? Oh, dear. Alright, let's just call her "Leia". Uh, guys? ORGANA: Yeah? KENOBI: She didn't make it. Now who's going to take care of the kids? ORGANA: I'll take one. My wife always wanted a girl. KENOBI: Yoda, you want the other? YODA: Me kidding you got to be. KENOBI: Great, I guess I'm stuck with him. Actually, I can pawn him off on some of Anakin's relatives on Tatooine. YODA: Now make ourselves hidden we must. KENOBI: I don't know. If Anakin somehow survived our fight, then there is a chance, however small a possibility, that I might be able to reason with him. Then together, we can defeat the Emperor. ORGANA: Hey, Obi-Wan, this one kind of looks like you! KENOBI: Although now that I think about it, I agree with Master Yoda. Hiding where they can't find us is probably our best option. YODA: Kenobi. A new technique I want you to practice. Immortality. KENOBI: Immortality? It would have been great for the Jedi to have this power BEFORE we were all killed! ORGANA: [to his crew] Take the two droids, and have the protocol droid's mind wiped. C3PO: What!? You can have your butt wiped! R2-D2: Bleebableebleep! [Translation: Uhh, that wasn't funny.] ORGANA: I thought you were a _protocol_ droid. C3PO: Yes, but some things are just uncalled for! Mind-wiping savages... [Meanwhile, in a dark medical lair, ANAKIN has his familiar VADER bits attached to his body.] VADER: *wheeze* PALPATINE: There are two things you need to know. First, you killed Padme in your anger. VADER: What!? PALPATINE: Second, George is sick with the 'flu today, so he got Alex Proyas from "Dark City" and "I, Robot" to direct this climactic scene. VADER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! [the room and camera shake and stuff explodes for no reason]